I was dropping off my son and I said, “Okay, well give me a hug – I’m going to head out.” She must not have heard me because she turned around and walked to her kitchen.
Not a big deal. We all have those times when our thinking is either louder than the person talking, or we simply didn’t hear our name being called.
I shrugged it off as that and we said our good-bye’s as I kissed my son on his head.
I went home to do the things you do when you have no kids running around in the house. My mom had taken my girls for the weekend so I could go to work early this morning.
I love her so much. Here she is, trying to help me while she is helping my uncle who is recovering from a semi-lengthy hospital stay – so she just decided to take my girls again with her while she helps him and his wife out. And it’s quite a haul.
I looked at some more houses for sale online and quickly clicked it all off.
No, I need to write.
Quiet house. No kids.
Mustn’t waste this precious time.
I put my fingers to the keyboard and words began to flow.
No words to describe how my insides felt in this moment, but I am sure other writers know.
When I finished up editing and such, I took a peek in the fridge.
Hmm. Getting down to that status.
Suddenly, I had a massive craving for chocolate milk. Like, the kind that is not healthy. Or is there a kind that even is? You know what I mean though. The kind that is already made in the gallon jug. And who cares if chocolate is healthy or not? Okay…
I hopped in the van at 10pm and headed to the store.
I needed more than chocolate milk. I justified this trip.
Got everything I needed there and headed to the checkout.
“Hey, how are you?” I asked the cashier lady.
No response except the beeping of things.
I tried again.
“Hey!” I exclaimed with a little more enthusiasm than before.
Still no response.
You know that feeling that tries to sneak up when you start to feel like an idiot? Yeah, that feeling was trying to tell me that others around me were thinking things.
But instead of feeling awkward and remaining even more awkwardly silent like I had in the recent past, I pushed my cart up further where the items are bagged and where you pay, and I asked a bit louder but not too loud, “Hey, how are you?”
“Oh, hey I am good.” She replied.
“You must have been in the zone, eh?” Maybe I shouldn’t have said this as I now realize it may have been to make myself feel better about repeating myself, but let’s not kick a horse here.
“Yeah, I just came in and I am trying to get my bearings straight,” she said while still scanning my items. “When I come in, in the middle of things, it’s like uhhh.”
There it was. She may or may have not heard me before, but either way, she just admitted she was preoccupied and focused.
I smiled and said thank you and strolled my baby gallon of chocolate milk away, and other things…
The revelation nugget that lit up as I loaded up the van was this:
Oh, wow. I didn’t get all weird today when people didn’t acknowledge me.
This anxious and insecure thinking sounds irrational but it has been a struggle in my life.
The liar of all liars would feed upon my insecurities I already had within myself, and so if what I said to someone was not acknowledged, whatever the reason, I would walk away trying to look cool but inwardly feeling like I got kicked in the gut.
It isn’t as extreme as it used to be, but moving forward with small victories hasn’t come easily. I have had to try and recognize those moments when wrong thinking creeps up, and capture those thoughts as soon as possible.
And some days, this process happens more than others and still to this day, and probably until I meet Jesus. Aren’t we all on this journey where we need Him daily?
So I am writing this morning to say, I have had an adult growth spurt – yay! Celebrate with me and share yours below if you have had any trifle areas that you are overcoming with God and hard work.