As I was reading in Psalms 44 tonight, the plea that the psalmist made in verses 17-22 totally resonated with me – not in the sense that I may loose my life, but in the sense we may loose something.
We have tried to honor God in this home buying process and every time things look like it’s okay to let a breath out – along comes another cluster of clouds, raining on our parade.
Yes, I just did that. *giggles*
Last week we only told only a few close friends about the good news. That the previous set-back in our contract over 30 days ago appeared to be overcome and everything was still moving forward.
May 5th is supposed to be our closing date. Packing while not knowing if we are really going is quite faith-stretching. Especially packing while home schooling, and Matt being gone for weeks again. Faith s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g.
I’ve been holding my breath, trusting God. I even let out my breath and trusted God. Because He knows best. And we’ve been in tons of situations before where we literally HAD to trust. And where GOD literally was ALL we had.
So today when the lender emailed me with some yucky news, I should have been like, “Oh, we’ve been down this road before. I will not worry. I will choose to cast my cares on Him!”
But instead, my heart beat faster than a drum roll and my mind started flashing pictures of worst case scenarios around in my head.
I did the thing where it feels like half of you may pass out while the other half battles against it. An all-out war.
Flesh versus Spirit: I found myself praying followed by self pep talks. The out-loud kind where my kids give me the eyebrow as they walk by.
Today has been rough emotionally. I decided it was okay to cry, pray-cry, cry-praise…but ended up doing a lot of those fleshy things I preach against doing when things get tough. I cleaned, I paced, I tried to fight the urge not to call my husband every other ten minutes.
When I did call him, I guess I expected him to say something to take away the nervousness, but he in his calm and trusting state of mind, usually just says something like, “Well, guess we’ll just have to wait and see, hun.”
Then I fought the urge to come through the phone and give him a giant noogie. For real. The struggle was super real.
So what does Psalm 44:17-22 have to do with all this?
Revelation & Application
So, about that complaining psalmist. What was his issue anyways?
He felt like they didn’t deserve to get defeated because they had not turned their backs on God. (oh boy, does this sound familiar) But in verse 22 he reveals that the real reason for their suffering was because they were indeed serving God.
“…for we are facing death threats constantly because of serving you!”
My Bible commentary reads, “..Thus, our suffering may not be a punishment, but a battle scar to demonstrate our loyalty.”
When I read this, it was like a light bulb went on. I’m talking those uber bright kind they want us to all switch to now. Not that the photo below does the best job at portraying it…
No, I am not facing a life or death situation like the people were in the context of this, but is there something in my life that I risk loosing? If so, am I willing to let it go if need be or am I willing to keep praising Him even if things don’t go my way?
The Hard Answer:
A big. Fat. Ouch.
I felt like I let my emotions get the best of me today, and for that I repented of. Because time was spent wasted, fretting.
I know I am human, and I also know I am pretty hard on myself, but I desire to be an example to my kids and those around me, so when the tough outside cracks and the weak, vulnerable me is exposed, the lesson on embracing my need for Jesus daily hugs me gently and God comes swooping in.
Not to change my circumstances necessarily but to change me.
I pray I will trust him even if we find out the news does not turn out how we had planned or hoped. I prayed with the kids tonight. We prayed God would change our hearts. Because when stuff gets sticky, it’s so easy to get fleshy and freak out.
I am glad He doesn’t freak out when we do though. We serve a God not caught off-guard!
Sister’s in Christ, I am asking each person who reads this not to pray for God to do things my way, but please pray He gives us faith, strength, joy and peace whatever actually unravels.
The thought of unpacking all that I’ve packed up for a move that was supposed to happen in 10 days, is quite gut wrenching to me, but if this door closes and it creates a battle scar, I pray it will be used for His glory.
…..I do know He has a plan. I know God is bigger than any idea I could come up with. I know He is worthy of praise regardless. And I know we are still, oh so blessed!
Have you had or are going through a time of testing, or feel like after you get over one hump, another follows? Do you feel like your faith took a trip to the gym and is getting the workout of a lifetime? Let’s believe God’s promises when He says He is working all this stuff out for our good. The bright side if we choose to embrace it, will always be that these daily things will draw us closer to Him.
Be blessed today, friend!! – M.E.Weyerbacher
Linking Up Late Tonight @ Cisneros Cafe~ Come join us for coffee and #community! Also, check out blogger, Christine Duncan and her article on how God’s got the battle. To read, click here.