I don’t really know where I am going with this. I had to sit down and write though.
I went back and forth on whether to post my more professional posts that were designated for Mondays, but I decided it felt too fake for the current state.
In the words of Shauna Niequist, “…you don’t get the oil until you pour out the vinegar.“
I haven’t felt like being social, in real life or on media except for family lately, and my close friends who have texted to so ask how we are. So I apologize for dropping the ball (or so it feels like it) this past couple of weeks, with linkups, reading & conversing/face-time.
I realize we have to work even in pain, but I don’t have a boss (besides God but I don’t really think of Him as that usually, more like Father), so I am giving myself permission to write what is really on my heart.
I have enough of the other kinds of posts waiting to be published. They will still be there, good Lord willing. If you are reading this today, I know you will probably say a prayer for us and so I want to thank you in advance, because they mean so much.
Our Jack went to a better place today (Sunday). He is not suffering anymore. My heart feels twisted up in knots that keep getting stuck in my throat at the most random times.
I saw his dog treats last night and broke down again, sitting on the kitchen floor while my sons food heating in the microwave.
I can not begin to describe the past couple of days and the heaviness that has lulled, feeling helpless to help our little guy, finding out surgery with 1 in 5 survival rate was the only other option and that they still might not find out the root cause of his digestive problems, and the meds they previously tried only served as a temporary fix until he got sick again.
Part of me keeps trying to be strong and normal. Then the realness just kicks in and knows pain is a part of life so I may as well cry it out.
I would talk to him from across the room in the kitchen as I scrubbed a dirty plate.
I let him lay on me. Mom sat by him too. But I preferred to not be too close. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be long, but it was just a feeling. And I started putting up the self-protected wall.
Friday night I was up and down with him.
Saturday was bad. Sunday (today) was worse in that he was shutting down even more, refusing water, and the cycle of trying to go potty but to no avail that has been happening, was just too much.
We tried switching his food, giving him soft food. I feel awful, like a mom who gave up too soon. But hearing him moan like that and hearing the doc tell us internal issues with dogs were not good news, is what brought us to the decision in the end.
If he wasn’t in so much pain, going naturally seemed right. I can’t explain the weirdness I am dealing with. I have no words.
My parents came over last night to sit with me after mom’s work Christmas party.
Matt has been stuck in North Dakota still.
He was stranded in a post blizzard state for a couple days and then didn’t make it home for Launa’s birthday yesterday due to routes falling through and such. (trucker lingo)
He and the other drivers that got stuck so to speak, had to sit there on the highway that was legally shut down over night and finally some plows came through the next day around lunch.
Praise God he had food in his truck and even gas to make it. I was a bit concerned but God always takes care of my babe and a plus is he was a US Marine (“still AM“, he would say) so he can make it in some crazy situations that most I know would shake their head at.
We got word yesterday too that his dad had to go to the ER over his foot (infection) and will be loosing his big toe.
I am thankful for life and love and family but here this past month it definitely feels different.
As the days pass I care less about things I used to put so much stock into and I just want to hug my sister, hold my husband, kiss my kid’s boo boo’s, say prayers with my son, cook with my girls, play with our cats…and ..Jack.
He had one last adventure the other day, before he got worse.
We moved the rabbit out to the shed where he can run and have fun. Jack thought he was going crazy I guess because he didn’t know of the move but kept sniffing all around that shed, probably swearing up and down in his mind that rabbit stew sounded great for dinner, but couldn’t put his “paw” on it.
Last night when he was so weak and I was about to go pick him back up from trying to potty, he started barking like nutso. I looked over to where he was barking and my neighbors had something draped in their tree, swaying in the wind.
Jack was sure it was someone or something that was not supposed to be there and if I wouldn’t have intervened I am sure he would have woke up the entire neighborhood!
Yesterday my girl turned 9. In the circumstances we made the best of it. She was sad her plans had to get canceled because I am still keeping the kids on the DL trying to get rid of this ringworm (from new kittens, you can read more here) but we made cookies together. And ate them all.
I gave her one of her gifts (we are saving the rest for when daddy comes home) and we watched a few shows on Netflix, snuggling on our new couch that got delivered that morning.
It has been almost a year since we had a couch in a house! It is very weird. But we are thankful and have been enjoying cuddling up and staring at the lit Christmas tree, gazing at the lights on the house through the windows, and staring at the fake fire in the little heater we have.
Jack got to sit on the new couch once. He is in my loving Father’s arms now being comforted and is completely better. He doesn’t need a couch there. I am imagining that he is relishing the awesome puppy play park Jesus hand designed for him and some other animal buddies up there.
I don’t believe any creature God made will be wasted.
6 In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together;
the leopard will lie down with the baby goat.
The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion,
and a little child will lead them all.
7 The cow will graze near the bear.
The cub and the calf will lie down together.
The lion will eat hay like a cow.
8 The baby will play safely near the hole of a cobra.
Yes, a little child will put its hand in a nest of deadly snakes without harm.
9 Nothing will hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain,
for as the waters fill the sea,
so the earth will be filled with people who know the Lord.
Isaiah 11 NLT
I will be grateful to rejoice again. To go to church again. It has been three weeks now but feels like a year and I miss everyone so much. We are ready to be around people again. To participate again. To laugh and hug friends again.
But sometimes your roots grow the deepest in the richest soil, damp with tears, dark and covered in a lonely longing that only God’s presence can help fill (because it won’t quite get filled until the other side of Heaven).
So to you who are hurting today, God is close to you. Right now.
“In the dark place where it seems like He’d be the furthest, God is actually closest.”
Psalm 34:18 NLT
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee at #TellHisStory